Hello. Let me introduce myself. My name is Krystina. I'm a Minister's daughter and Granddaughter. I'm also a single mother, and I'm gay.
Now, I'm sure some of you just rolled your eyes, said to yourself "Oh great, another sinner who just wants to get her two cents in" and moved on, but for the rest of you, I hope you'll read on. This open letter isn't necessarily to scream at you for imposing your beliefs on others. Consider this to just be a letter to you. I won't be going on about Leviticus, or any of those other verses that are so widely misused.
First off, I'd actually like to thank you. Why? Because I've never had so many people concerned about my soul. So thank you. But you needn't worry. You see, my soul and I, we're doing okay. I'm at peace with myself and with my God. Why? I'll tell you, but please be patient, as this might take a little bit of explaining.
There was a point in my life where I hated all things religious. Not because of what my father taught as a Minister. I hated it because other religions/religious leaders had taught me that if I were to be myself, I would be angering God, and angering my peers. And it made for a very ugly time in my life. Finally, I had enough of living with anger and hate, and I went to go see a Minister friend of mine. I told him exactly what had gone on in my life, about knowing since I was very small that I was Gay, and how watching others be persecuted for that made me feel like I was worthless and irrelevant. He counseled me through it, and shared with me something so interesting and relevant, that I was surprised I hadn't seen it before. But when you've got angry blinders on, it's hard to see anything else. He taught me the following:
Every day that I fear living my life truthfully, I break the Ten Commandments. Every time I hate, I break the Ten Commandments. I break Christ's teaching. How? Because Fear begets anger, and anger begets hate and hate begets sin. By lying about who I am, I dishonor my father and mother. I don't honor the Lord, my God. I was committing murder. Of my own soul. I was stealing my own life. And I envied everyone who was straight and "True". And by lying to myself, I was not honoring Christ, as he abhorred lying. With just that tiny bit, I was committing my soul to hell.
You see, God doesn't hate Gay people. I'm pretty sure he's got other things to worry about that are much more important than someone just trying to live their lives honestly.
But, I think the most important lesson I learned from my Minister friend and from my father, was this:
Treat the Bible like it's a story about being a parent. You make this wonderful, amazing creation, and you resolve to be the best parent you can be. As you proudly watch your pride and joy grow, they suddenly become a toddler. And what do toddlers like to do? They like to stretch their boundaries..touch things they're not supposed to. I think of Adam and Eve like that, in a way. And when your toddler does something they know they're not supposed to, what's a parent to do? They discipline. Although I really don't recommend disciplining your actual child like the old testament, with fire and brimstone, unless getting up in the middle of the night to tend to nightmares is your thing.
The Old Testament is a lot like disciplining a rebellious a child that grows from toddler to teenager. Threats are made, rules are enforced, and you impose your will upon them to try and keep them on the straight and narrow. If you read towards the end of the Old Testament and into the beginning of the New Testament, you might see that now that God is no longer a "first time parent", he's realized that maybe the fire and brimstone approach isn't really working..It hasn't solved anything, it's just made some of his "children" more rebellious, or the opposite, zealous in adhering to his anger. And so he decides that maybe it's time to try something new. Love and acceptance, negotiating and listening instead of obedience and a force of will.
So, in the New Testament, to show that he's mellowed with age and really does love us, he sends his "only son" Jesus. And he tells us that Jesus will make a difference and show to us what God is really all about. And he tells us that Jesus will sacrifice himself so that we will become "clean again". A blank slate, so to speak. Jesus talks about what really pisses God off, and what really makes him happy. Like when you're negotiating with a strong-willed teenager or young adult that's about to spread their wings and learn what life's really all about. You desperately want to make sure they're prepared, and you realize that maybe they do get it more than you thought, especially when you treated them with respect and love, instead of harsh punishments and anger.
I think God's approach in the New Testament was so much more effective than the Old Testament, and I believe that he did this to counter his "early years". Like my own father did as I was growing up. He started with the warnings and restrictions, etc., as I began to rebel. But as I grew older, he realized that being a "parental bully" really didn't help things. So he switched tactics. He encouraged me to find out who I am, to question everything and form my own beliefs, asked me to respect others and remain true to myself.
As further proof to that in regards to my own life, my parents knew I was unhappy, but they didn't know why. And when I finally got the courage to come out the them, instead of rebuking me or distancing themselves from me, they celebrated with me. My father told me later, that during my darker times, he used to pray that I would find whatever it was that would make me actually like myself, view myself as an asset, rather than a bane to society. And when he saw how at peace with myself because of finally being able to have the confidence to be me, he was relieved. Both my parents have told and shown me that they will love me NO MATTER WHAT. And, because I love my family, I must remain true to who I am, who I was born to be. To honor my mother and my father.
I still read the Bible. It's helped me through some tough times. And I believe in God. But when I read the Bible, I remember that it was written by Man. Through stories told from generation to generation. And if you read it properly, you'd note that the only places in the Bible that Jesus Christ actually is noted as speaking is Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. And the further you get into the Bible past that, if you read it with not only an open mind, but an open heart, you realize that the apostles actually started to preach things that had never even come out of Jesus' mouth. Makes you wonder just who's agenda was really being pushed. It's the same in the Old Testament. Other than a handful of times after the Garden of Eden, God rarely speaks. It's the men in the story doing all the talking. I'm not bashing the Bible, even though I'm sure it seems that way to some. I just want you to know my point of view. Because my point of view is just as relevant as yours.
You know the most interesting quote from Jesus? It was when he spoke about worship. He spoke about how God hated it when people made a big deal out of worship. Like they wanted everyone to see just how pious they were. Jesus said that God loved it when someone worshipped him without anyone around to worship it, as that was when the heart was the most pure, there was no real agenda. Just communication. That's how I build my spirituality. That's my religion. I talk to God in my living room. I worship him whenever I go for a walk with my little one and point out how beautiful this planet is. I honor my God by teaching my child to love others, to accept and tolerate, and to be grateful.
I'm going to close this part of my letter to you with the following questions. When you go to Church, do you feel filled up with the love, power and glory of God? Or your own self-importance? Do you go to Church to feel closer to God? Or to be seen by those you deem important? Ask yourselves these questions. And think hard before you answer. And be honest. Because Lying is a sin.
So again, thank you. But my soul and I? We're just fine.
With Regards,
An Ordinary Woman
May 18, 2012
*this letter can be shared, however I do not authorize any alterations without my approval
(Pic Credit: http://www.creationswap.com/media/11779)
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